Direct Answers – Column for the week of July 21, 2003

I don’t know whether to call it jealousy or insecurity. My husband and I have been married almost 30 years. Last year at my husband’s surprise birthday party, one of my friends asked who a certain woman in the room was.

When I asked why, she said, “She and your husband have been making eye contact all night, and he seems to be paying her a lot of attention.” From there on I started watching the behavior between them.

My husband participates in a sport with this woman’s husband, and at times we are all together. Each time I noticed more and more eye contact between them. Just to be sure I was not imaging things, I asked my sister. She thought with the looks they gave each other, something might be going on.

Late one evening, I confronted my husband. He replied, “Don’t be ridiculous.” He said he loves me and goes to participate in the sport and that is all. He was furious. I told him I loved him too, but I also said my first warning was to him, the next will be to her, and thereafter to her husband. He said if something is going on, it is all on her side.

At the next sporting event, this woman avoided me like the plague. It was like she was scared to death of me. Obviously someone told her something. When I asked my husband if he had, he said no.

Now even though I did nothing wrong, I am very uncomfortable around this woman. I have three decades invested in this marriage and love this man dearly. Still it is hard to get past this and be friends with this woman again.

Helene

Helene, you didn’t smell perfume on your husband’s shirt or see lipstick on his collar. All you found was a woman publicly flirting with your husband. Possibly she flirts to make herself feel good, with no real desire behind it. But when the word got out, she stopped.

You did three things. You let your circle of friends know you are an observant woman who defends her territory. You let your husband know you will confront this issue head on. And if anything was going to happen, you dumped water on the embers.

Mission accomplished. Now the key is to drop this. If the situation has stopped, let it go. If you let it go, your husband may even take it as a compliment. You have let him know how much you desire him.

With the other woman, you don’t need to be her enemy and you don’t need to be her friend. Talk to her as you would to any other slight acquaintance. Hold your head up high as a confident married woman who will not allow anyone to sneak around behind her back.

Wayne & Tamara

Her Proposal

I am a 21-year-old female in a committed relationship with a man I love and want to marry. We plan to live together when I go to graduate school. My dad says he can’t imagine me finding a sweeter, better man who loves me so much.

Now I’m worried about the whole living together thing because studies say that living together leads to divorce, and I don’t want to lose him! His dad is concerned he will be tied down, and we will have kids. I don’t see that happening anytime soon! I feel ready to marry now, and I don’t want to lose him.

Daryl

Daryl, even if you believe the research on living together is valid, you need to realize that marriage does not prevent divorce, abuse, infidelity, or unhappiness. If you are afraid moving in together will stop a wedding, then don’t live with him. But if you want to marry him because you think you will lose him, then he isn’t yours to have.

Wayne & Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at WayneAndTamara.com” target=”_new www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: mailto:DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

When we think about our blessings, we realize that we have so many of them that it would take at least a better part of an hour to write them all down in a summarized way. To save time, instead of writing the name of each person in your family, you would write only: my family.

Now, everyone has hundreds of blessings, no matter how poor or destitute this person may be. No one, not a single person, who can find a blessing, would be so discouraged as to end his or her life. Our blessings are what keep us going and trusting the process of living.

Finding our blessings is only the first step in the process of pursuing happiness. The next step is to thank these blessings for being part of our lives and for impacting us the way they do. This is what I call the “Gratitude Game.”

Being grateful for what we have; what we see, feel, sense taste and experience; what we are, what we possess (different from what we have: we may have a grand time and yet, we don’t possess it); what we do; what we give and what we receive, is what will put us in such great vibrational level, that there is no way positive things can’t manifest in our lives.

So how do we do this? The first thing is to be aware that the more we appreciate, the more the good things will come to us. Appreciation is the key to achieve happiness and bliss. The universe is comprised of energy, as Dr. Einstein has so eloquently told us. Well, this energy is responsible for what happens to us.

Remember the ripple effect? I am sure you were told when you were young, that, whatever we give, we receive 7 times more. Now, who came up with this story I don’t know. What I know is that I was told many times that you send the ripple out and it will get back to you (this part, of the story I never understood too well because I only see the ripples going one direction!).

In any case, here is the theory: whatever you send will come back to you. Like a boomerang. No questions about this one. This is also called the Law of Cause and Effect, which we have learned in our Physics classes. Other people will call it The Law of Attraction.

So when you send good vibes, there is nothing you can do to prevent them from getting back to you. Nothing. Same with bad vibes, so be aware! Problem is, though, that more often than not, we are sending negative vibrations and we don’t really know how to transform them into positive ones. Enter the “Gratitude Game.”

Begin by appreciating all your blessings. This is easy, for we (as I said earlier) have tons of them. Then, move on to appreciating things that are happening to you now, this very moment. Observing your surroundings is a great first step.

For example:

1. As we approach winter, the weather is getting really cold. If you are indoors, you will feel warm. It is nice to feel warm on a cold day. Appreciate it.

2. You are walking in your neighborhood and you see cute little dandelions. They are pretty, all yellow, on a grassy background. Appreciate it.

3. You are driving in the evening and suddenly you see the most radiant, humongous, orange moon just rising for you. Appreciate it.

4. You are home resting and see your kitties playing with each other. They are having a grand time and so are you. Appreciate it.

5. You wake up during the night and go to your children’s room. They are all safe and they look so peaceful in their slumber. Appreciate it.

6. You are walking and you find a penny. Oh, yeah! Money! Appreciate it.

7. You hear the sound of rain falling on the roof. It is a great sound. Appreciate it.

8. You go take a shower and the minute the water falls on you, it feels so good… Appreciate it.

9. You look at your family’s photo sitting on your desk. They are smiling and you feel a surge of love for them. Appreciate it.

10. You check you persimmon and realize it is absolutely ripe and bursting with life, ready to be savored. Appreciate it.

Now, you got the picture. It is easier to appreciate our surroundings for they usually give us a good feeling about them.

How do you show your appreciation? I like to say: “Thank you, God.” That is all. If you, however, feel more comfortable just saying “Thank you,” by all means, do so.

Or perhaps you can just say “I do appreciate this,” or “I am grateful for this.” It is also all right. Whichever way you want to express your appreciation, use it. No one is keeping score. If you can add a feeling to this appreciation, as in “why” you are so grateful about a certain thing, so much the better.

The important thing is to keep appreciating and when you least expect it, your negative moments will disappear and suddenly, you realize you are truly happy.

© Maria Moratto 2006

Want to have more abundance, health, time, love, fun, and blessings? Visit Prescription For Bliss at rx4bliss.com rx4bliss.com, sign up for the newsletter and receive a fr*ee ebook called “Happy People Are More Abundant!”

Dr. Maria Moratto is the author of “The Inspired Healing For Your Body, Mind, and Soul,” “The Inspired Healing Journal: Mending Your Broken Heart,” and “Attract Money Journal.” Visit her site to get fr*ee affirmation cards.

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s we approach the “season of good cheer” as it is known to many in the West, I wonder how many people view the passing of December with an increasing sense of dread?

What does Christmas mean for you? A time to celebrate the birth of Christ? A time to think about your fellow human beings and a wish to share and care? A time to enjoy yourself? A time for spending time with loved ones?

Or, is it a time of hassle and pressure? All the commercial drivers to spend, causing worry about money and even more credit card debt? The time commitment to get around (or host) family and friends? Rather than a period of rest and relaxation, it all appears to be busy and intense with no personal time? (Made worse for many in retail or other professions where you are working!)

Research consistently shows that for many people, the Christmas holiday is a stressful time. Incidences of violence in the home increase, domestic and relationship problems are amplified, families fall out – all in this period of “Goodwill to all men”!!

To help you handle this season in a way which can reduce the impact of the pressure consider which of the following ideas might work for you.

Before:

Develop a plan for what you need to do. This can help you to organise things in a manageable way. Start as soon as possible.Make sure you are allowing time for you and your family in the holiday schedule . Avoid committing all the time to seeing others, even if you have a large family! Plan some “down days” or entertainment for yourselves, whether cinema, pantomime, or just a walk.Feel free to say “no” to invitations which are going to add to your time pressures.Do plan to see, or spend time with, people you want to be around.Consider doing a budget for what you want to spend over the whole period. (Include food, drink, entertainment as well as presents.) Stick with this! It is easy to get carried away over the Festive Season – and then struggle to pay off the bills afterwards.Unless is suits your own personality to rush everything, aim to have things bought, sorted out, meals planned etc with time to spare!Decide what to eat over the days you will be at home. Aim to balance your meals and avoid overloading on rich and heavy food. Consider cooking or making some different food over the holiday. If entertaining, do some “simple” foods to make your life easier – stews, casseroles etc. People are visiting for your company and social reasons, not a gastronomic test!Rather than stock up with too much bought in or convenience foods, aim to use as much healthy or home made food as you can. (Taking time to prepare and make some of your own dishes can be relaxing – and is a lot less costly!)Make things ahead and freeze them. (Mince pies, sausage rolls, stews, pasta sauces, pies, cheesecakes to name a few!)Remember, the supermarkets and food outlets are only closed for 2-3 days!! You do not have to buy 3 weeks of supplies at one go!Enlist help from others in the household, young and old! Involve children in the things you don’t normally do so it feels like a special time.Decorating the house, the tree and whatever else you choose can be done over time! Think about just what you want everything to look like. Ask whether you really need to get new decorations? Can you be innovative with what you have, what you can make?Pre-plan what you will do with the rubbish which Christmas generates? Have plenty of bin bags to hand. Keep some boxes to store used bottles. Clear out what you can before­ visitors arrive.Make some time for leisure and pleasure in the run up to the holiday. Maybe get a massage or some other personal “indulgence”.Aim to get a few earlier nights in this phase. It will help you to feel more energised and able to cope with the demands to come.Although we have some of our shortest days – get some fresh air, go for a walk. Allow yourself to slow down for a while.Take care of your health! For many people, the break from routine signals to the body that it can now take things easy and so various bugs which have been held at bay suddenly get through your resistance. Consider upping your intake of fruit (there is a lot of natural vitamin C available!) and possibly taking some supplements. During:

Recognise that the immediate time over Christmas can be stressful for some, and we each respond to different factors. Make allowances for others’, whether in your home or you in theirs!Agree with any visitors, that there are going to be times for them to do what they want, and times when you will do what you want. It is your holiday too!Tell visitors where things are, so that they can help themselves and you are not always up and down looking after everyone.Remember to get your rest – sleep is key! Late nights and early mornings can be major contributors to stress build up! You do not have to stay up with any night owls!Start the day with a decent breakfast, including some healthy options such as fruit, fruit juice, (make smoothies?), sugar free cereal, eggs, fish.Resist the temptation to start on alcohol too early!Have plenty of water and soft drinks available, plus tea and coffee – not just for the drivers or children. Aim to alternate water or a soft drink with an alcoholic one. (Minimise the fizzy drinks for young ones too.)With meals, have water and soft drinks as well as wine on the table.Prepare what you can for meals, in advance, especially on Christmas Eve. Vegetables can be done and stored in bags in the fridge. Make lots of ice, slice lemons, put beer somewhere cool (or in the fridge if you have space.)On Christmas Day, follow whatever routines or rituals suit your family regarding present giving and opening. Do plan some “clear” time in the day, rather than organise every minute.Too much rich food, added to alcohol, people feeling tired, and all close together is a problem waiting to happen. Encourage everyone to get some space – whether going to other rooms, out for a walk, visiting a local event or even going to the pub. This can be a great pressure valve! Clear up things as you go along. Wrapping paper, bottles, cardboard all need to go out as soon as possible. Get everyone involved in making sure that empty glasses, cups, plates etc are moved to the appropriate place as soon as is reasonable.Create a relaxing atmosphere as far as you can – especially in your own room. Scented candles or burning oils can help this.If travelling to visit, allow time for your trip. Although many roadworks are suspended, there can still be hold-ups on the road – and public transport may not be running!Provide youngsters with things to do in the car – they will be very excited and excitable and coupled with frayed nerves for the adults this is a volatile mix.Plan when you will leave so that you can look forward to getting home to have “own” or “family” time in your own home.If you are starting to feel yourself getting wound up, take time out if possible. Should this be tricky – take some deep breaths, hold them and count to 10. Remember, the holiday is not long, the situation will change and your time will be yours again soon. Do you want to spend it feeling annoyed or uptight? It’s your choice!If you have already convinced yourself that it will be an awful time with the “wicked witch of the west,” or other relatives, spend time reframing your thoughts & agreeing how it will be a fun, interesting, amusing, useful…time After:

Take time to do nothing!Clear the clutter as soon as you can. Take excess rubbish to the dump (and chill out about the queues, there is no rush!)Make time to do things together with family or partners. This is your time for you.Recharge batteries – go to bed at sensible times and allow yourself a lie in or two for as long as your body wan.Reflect on the things you enjoyed over the holiday and enjoy the gifts you received.Avoid rushing to the post Xmas sales.Have a few days (or meals) where you eat simple food. Have plenty of non-alcoholic drinks – water is good for you, especially in our centrally heated lives!Pampering is in order – leisurely bath times, massage, sitting with a favourite book, music you like. You’ve earned it!!Start to think about the New Year ahead. Think about what you want it to be for you. It can be helpful to identify some key goals you want to achieve and write these down.Remember, the days are getting longer for the next 5½ months and spring is not far away!! Enjoy a happy and healthy Christmas time and successful New Year.

Graham Yemm has over 20 years experience as a consultant. He runs a UK based consultancy with his business partner Bruce Hoverd,

Effective Ideas

Get Connected in Your Community: Be Interactive

What is the best way to get connected? Being Interactive. This means you get involved and stay involved with people without there having to be a problem or situation that gets you started. You will then know what is happening around you. You will know your neighbor’s names. What concerns your friends and community members have. And at the same time, don’t be shy about your own goals and needs. Make sure other people know what you are thinking and planning. The more you know about your community and the more people know about your goals, the more successful they and you will be.

Will being interactive mean that you will never start to feel that you don’t know what is going on? No. However, when the unexpected happens you will have a better sense of how urgent the matter is because you will know the priorities of your community. If a problem develops, you will know who to work with so it can be resolved with a minimum of fuss and effort. And you will know what is needed and not have to second guess those around you – you will know that you are headed in the right direction and have support and understanding from your community and friends.

How to change tactics

How do you make this shift? Try these suggestions and then practice them.

1) Look for barriers to understanding and cooperation. Then work with others to eliminate these as they arise.
2) When going into a new situation, ask of everyone: What do you want to happen? How will we measure our success? Look for understanding, past successful actions – start out right.
3) When completing a task, ask everyone: How could this be better?

Use these suggestions to increase connection and introduce an interactive approach to everything you do.

© Fritz M. Brunner, Ph.D. 2005

Fritz M. Brunner, Ph.D. is a coach and consultant engaged in working with people wanting to excel in life and business. Please visit his web site at fmbrunner.com fmbrunner.com or contact him at mailto:fritz@fmbrunner.com fritz@fmbrunner.com.